


The Curious Case of the missing Uterus.

by lia_bezdomny



Series: Parental Problems. [1]
Category: Cherik - Fandom, X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Still Have Powers, Cherik - Freeform, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Mpreg, Multi, Poor Hank, Protective Erik, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-08
Updated: 2015-01-08
Packaged: 2018-03-06 15:02:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3138584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lia_bezdomny/pseuds/lia_bezdomny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Cerebro suffers a malfunction, Charles is left pregnant and has to deal with his overbearing friends, especially his baby daddy, Erik.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Curious Case of the missing Uterus.

**Author's Note:**

> This is fluff and crack. Also poor Hank suffers quite a bit of verbal abuse in this. Sorry, Beasty. 
> 
> The storyline is inspired by - and by inspired, I mean shamelessly stolen from - an episode of "Futurama".

“Hey Hank, you wanted to see me?” Raven looked at her bespectacled friend, who shuffled around nervously.

“Uhm, yes, yes I did. I was wondering, if you are not busy this weekend, would you like to go out? With me?” “Oh. On a date?” He blushed and nodded.

“Hank, listen you are a good friend and I like you, but not like _that_. And I'm seeing someone.” “Azazel." “Yes. We just clicked, you know? Sorry.” She gave an apologetic smile and walked out of the lab.

“Great, lost the girl of my dreams to the red menace. Fuck my life. Might as well activate simulation 420-1.” “Simulation activated.” A distorted voice repeated.

The light in the lab dimmed down and Ska-P's “A la mierda” started to play. Hank sighed and prepared his herbal remedy. He lit up, took a few deep drags and whipped his head to the beat. Usually, he preferred to listen to "Queens of the Stone Age", but that was too mellow for his current mood.

“When times get though, the smart guys toke up.” He giggled. “Man, I should write this down.”

\---

Erik Lehnsherr has never been keen on company. He saw other people as distractions, he needed to avoid at all costs. But then Charles Xavier came along and forced his friendship onto him. Soon after that, his only concern became Charles' safety and mental wellbeing. He moved into the mansion and helped his friend to find new students for the mutant school. Guiding their lifes and teaching the kids how to handle their powers made Charles happy. Strangely, that was reason enough for Erik to wade through a cesspool of hormones, teenage heartbreak and prepubescent egomaniacs. Of course he complained all the time. He was entitled to some fun too.

  
“Are you alright, my friend?” Charles smiled at him as they made their way to the lab.“You need to talk to Alex, he came to my study yesterday and babbled something about wanting to ask Angel out.”

”I know, I already talked to him about...” “Not to disturb me after nine?” “Oh, my bad, I forgot. You _don't care_ about the kids.” The telepath grinned. “Exactly... Do you smell that?” “Yes. That's Malawi gold, I think. Don't look at me like that, I went to university.”

“Hank?” The older mutants stared at him, both trying really hard not to laugh. Hank obviously spent the night in the lab, as evidenced by a grey bathrobe, boxershorts and flip flops.

“Oh, hello... I'm, uhm... Hello. How can I help you?” “We came down here to search for new students, remember?”

“Oh the search, yeah, sure. What is a school without students, huh? Follow me please.” “Whatever you say, your dudeness.” Erik mumbled under his breath and shook his head.

\---

Hank put the helmet on the professors head and returned to the panel.

“You did fix the relay, right? Last time we caused a blackout in half the county.” Charles looked at him intensely. “Sure I did.”

“It is just... Hank, I was your age once...” “I said I fixed it, Charles. I am a professional.”

“You are also only five months out of puberty, so you have to deal with our concerns.” The metal manipulator sneered. “Relax, Erik. I trust Hank.” “Thank you. I just have to enter this code into Cerebro and...”

An electric shock surged through Charles and made him scream out in pain. “Professor!” Hank panicked and ran to the off switch.

“Don't touch that! High voltage, you idiot!” Erik focused his power and slowly disconnected the cables of the helmet from the machine and floated Charles over to them.

“Oh God, I'm so sorry! Is he breathing?!” Erik removed the helmet and checked Charles' pulse.

“Fuck...” “Oh God, oh God...” “Shut up Hank! If you want to do something, sing “Stayin' Alive”!”

“What?!” “I need the beat for CPR. Do it!” The young mutant obeyed. “Ha, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive...”

“Come on Charles. I cannot deal with these kids on my own.” Erik ripped Charles' shirt open and started CPR.

“You have to give him mouth to mouth...” “Keep singing, Hank.” He used his hand to open Charles' mouth and started to breathe air back into him. After a couple of seconds the professor coughed.

“E... Erik? What happened?” “The boy wonder over there electrocuted you.”

“So the logical conclusion was to kiss me? A little elaborate, all you had to do was ask.” Erik raised an eyebrow and helped his friend up.

“Don't flatter yourself, Charles. I did it to save myself, I'm not that keen on leading your gifted kids. I'm more comfortable on the sidelines, providing snide remarks and colourful commentary.” Charles stumbled.

“I think we should call Moira. I'm feeling a little light headed.”

\---

Moira, her medical bag and her insufferable personality, at least in Erik's opinion, showed up an hour later.

“As far as I can tell, there is nothing wrong you, Charles. But just to be sure, I suggest you come to the clinic on Friday, so I can run a few more tests. After hours of course.” “I'll be there,  thank you.”

“No problem but leave him here,” she pointed to Erik. “I don't want our MRI to explode.”

_“I'll cause an explosion in your gas tank if you don't shut up, you fucking bitch!” “Erik, calm yourself, she is only trying to help!”_

“Okay, you are doing it again. This mental dialogue thing is creepy, I'm off. See you on Friday, Charles.”

 

The next night, Erik heard a noise in the lobby. It was Raven, trying to sneak into the house after curfew.

“Care to tell me where you have been, young lady?” Erik asked, startling the shapeshifter.

“Oh fuck! Erik, you scared the living shit out of me!” She wore a short denim skirt with a matching vest, a belt made out of plastic sunflowers and dangerously high platform shoes. She looked ridiculous.

“Well?” “Fine, I was at a 90's party.”

“Makes sense, given the fact that you remember so much of that decade.” “So now what, you gonna narc on me?”

“No, You are a grown up, I'm not your father and more important, I don't really care. What is that smell?” “Uhm, that must be from the smoke machines.”

“Sure, Raven. Those big, _red_ smoke machines. Just do me a favour and use protection, okay? I don't want anyone to get pregnant around here... Do you hear that?”

“No, but I was surrounded by 90's dance music all night.”She closed her eyes and focused. “Sounds like moaning.” Erik's eyes narrowed and he rushed up the stairs, followed by Raven.

“Unbelievable! That's it, from now on, we'll dose you with cold water before bed time and lock your doors from the outside!” They made their way to a bathroom on the second floor.

“You better untangle yourselves from each other and cover up, because I'm opening this door now.” “No, don't come in...” Was the weakly response from inside.

“That's Charles.” Erik's facial expression turned from pissed off to concerned. “It's locked.” He gave Raven one of his _bitch please, I'm the master of metal-_ look and used his powers.

“Charles?!” The telepath was huddled up next to the toilet, holding his stomach. “I think I need to go to the hospital right now.” Erik kneeled beside him.

“Of course, let me help you get up.” Charles tried but his knees gave in, so he picked him up and carried him down the stairs.

\---

 

“MacTaggert, doctor Moira MacTaggert. She is his physician.” Raven argued with the nurse, who was very uncooperative. Maybe that was partly to blame on Raven's outfit.

“Doctor MacTaggert is off duty. It's Doctor Spiegel in number 7 or the waiting room.” “Fine!” The shapeshifter hissed. Erik was still carrying Charles, his head resting against Erik's shoulder.

“Number 7... Is he conscious?” “Yes, Raven. I'm just trying to stay as still as possible so I don't throw up again.” “And me and my sweater encourage that.” The doctor was in his early 30's, with dark brown hair and a couple of screws in his left leg.

 _Japanese Titanium, an excellent choice_ , Erik thought.

“Obviously I don't have to ask who Charles Xavier is.” _German accent, the Neckar region. University of Heidelberg, perhaps?_ A quick look at Dr. Spiegel's diploma confirmed it. Charles was in good hands, at least Erik hoped so.

“It would still be nice to know your names though. I'm Doctor Spiegel.” “Raven, I'm Charles' sister.”

“I'm Erik Lehnsherr, I'm his friend.” “Oh, another German? Well, I guess we can't escape each other, huh?” The doctor joked and pointed to a stretcher. Erik nodded and laid his friend down.

“So, I took the liberty to check Dr. MacTaggert's file. You received an electric shock?” Charles nodded weakly.

“He was unconscious, I did CPR on him. After he woke up, he seemed fine.” Dr. Spiegel repeated Moira's test and turned to Erik. “Were his responses quicker last time?”

“Yes, considerably.” “I see. Mr. Xavier, do you have any pain in your abdomen?” “Yes.”

“I'm gonna perform an ultra sound, you might suffer from internal bleeding. Please lift your shirt.” “Oh God!” Raven was almost in tears. “I'm gonna kill Hank.”

“ _Erik, please.” “Okay, but I will bend all his stoner memorabilia, starting with his signed Cypress Hill bong.”_ Charles laughed softly and Erik absently stroke his hair. Neither the doctor nor Raven paid attention to the exchange.

“Oh...” The doctor muttered in a very unreassuring tone. “What is it? Internal bleeding?”

“Uhm, not exactly. It is a growth.” “What do you mean _growth_? Like a tumour?” Maybe Erik needed to rethink his stance about the physicians of Heidelberg.

“I've never seen a tumour shaped like a four month old foetus, to be honest.” “Foetus? As in future baby?” Dr. Spiegel nodded.

“Maybe the machine is broken, I better get another one.” The door slightly vibrated and Charles focused on his friend. _“Erik, he is telling the truth, let him go.”_

 

Dr. Spiegel rushed out of the room and Raven rolled the ultra sound machine next to the stretcher. After a couple of second she had a clearer picture of Charles' _growth_.

“Charles, it has a heartbeat.” The telepath placed his hand on his stomach. “I.. I can feel it.” Erik's head jerked and he was opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish.

“We should go before the good doctor comes back and starts to ask questions.” She produced her cellphone and wrote a short text. A few seconds later Azazel appeared in a t-shirt and boxershorts.

“Raven, what is going on?” He growled in his Russian accent. “Short story, Charles is pregnant and we have to leave discretely.”

“I'm not _pregnant._ ” “Are you sure? That picture there screams _knocked up_.” He responded dryly.

“I am a man. Men can't carry children unless they are the protagonist of an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Now please, let us leave. Dr. Spiegel is coming back and I need to wipe his memory.” “Just a sec.”

“Raven!” She entered something into the keyboard and retrieved a piece of paper from the printer.

“Hurry, solnyshko” "First sonogram, for the fridge." "Hold hands please."

When Dr. Spiegel entered the room again it was empty. 

\---

Hank, his hair messier than usual, sat on the couch in Charles' study, next to an equally de-shelved looking Moira. Raven, now in her blue form and pyjamas explained everything, while Azazel served them tea. Emma, immaculately dressed in a white neglige and a silver house coat sat next to Charles and touched his belly.

“Yes, there is definitively something with brain waves in there, and it doesn't like all the negativity. That goes out to you, sugar.” She pointed to Erik.

“So Charles is pregnant?!” Emma nodded and took one of the tea cups. Of course it was the white one.

“This is all your fault, Hank!” An enraged Erik tried to jump Hank but Azazel was faster and teleported them both to the other side of the room. “No murder comrade.”

“Don't place all the blame on Hank, Erik. You had your hand in it too.” “Me?! What the hell did I do?”

“I don't want to bore you with that science mumbo-jumbo. Let's just say, Charles' body was receptive to stimulation and all it needed was a little bit of DNA. From a touch...”

“Or mouth to mouth?” Hank offered and received a deadly glare from Erik. “Thin ice, furball!” Emma smiled slyly. “

Well, my mother always told me, you could get pregnant from kissing. Congratulations, daddies. Now I would like to go home, a lady needs her beauty sleep. Azazel, dear?”

“Wait, Emma. Are you sure that it is not dangerous?” The white queen patted Raven's shoulder. “No sweety. All it want is for his daddy to relax and a sandwich. The rest is your field of expertise, Moira.” And with that she was gone, along with Azazel. Hank and Moira left soon after that and even Erik vanished.

“Wow.” Raven sat down next to Charles and hugged him. “Yes, wow.”

“How do you feel?” “Like I was run over by a steam roller.”

“I think you should get some sleep.” “I don't think I'll ever sleep again. Who knows what I will wake up to next?”

“Raven is right, Charles.” Erik reappeared and picked his friend up. “Erik, what...?”

“I'm going to put you to bed.” “I'm not disabled, just... I can walk.”

“Don't argue with me. You heard Emma. The little one wants peace and quiet.” “It also wants a sandwich.”

“I know, I made you one. It's on your night stand.” Charles looked at him in surprise and he grinned. “You are a nurturer-caretaker, I never knew.”

“I have a lot of hidden qualities. Now eat and change into your pyjamas. I'm gonna get ready for bed too.” "Alright." Erik returned a few minutes later and took the plate from Charles.

“Thank you, that was delicious.” “What did I tell you, hidden qualities. I not only control metal, I'm also the master of the pastrami sandwich. Good night.”

“Erik?” “Yes?” Charles blushed. “I know this sounds silly but... Could you sleep here tonight?” He was silent for a few seconds.

“Sure.” Erik crawled under the covers next to Charles and fell asleep with his hand splayed on the telepaths belly.

 

\---

 

A few weeks later, Erik was still doting on Charles. The telepath wasn't sure if he found his friend's devotion endearing or annoying.

“Let me take that.” “Erik, please I can lift a stack of books!”

“But you don't need to when I'm around.” “Or Raven. Or Hank. Or even Azazel. Which is still something I'm not 100% sold on.”

“You don't like Azazel?” “No, I do like him but he tries to hit on Raven and that annoys me.”

“Oh, you mean because Hank's intentions are pure?” “Hank is a good guy.”

“So is Azazel. And he doesn't sport a tent in his jeans, anytime Raven puts her mask on. He likes her for what she is.” “And you know that because...?”

“Let's not go there. Oh look, your class room.”

 

Moira showed up that that afternoon with an ultra sound machine. Hank was also in the lab, fiddling with Cerebro. One by one Erik, Raven and Azazel showed up.

“It looks good, Charles. The heartbeat is regular and...” She obviously saw something _irregular_ on the screen.

“And what, Moira?” “Nothing alarming, considering the fact that you are a mutant and a man.” She turned the screen, so Charles could see the foetus.

“Your little one has a tail.” “A tail?” Erik beamed at him.

“I always wanted a tail.” “I know my friend.” The telepath couldn't help but smile.

“Why would you want something like that?!” Hank snorted and realised too late, whom he might offend with a comment like that.

“You've got a problem with tails, _padla_?” “Azazel!” Raven bellowed and the teleporter bowed his head.

“I apologise for the language.” “Thank you.” She turned to Charles. “So, uhm, what is the exit strategy?”

“Excuse me?” “I'm talking about the curious case of the missing uterus. How do you know when it is ready to come out, given that you cannot have contractions?”

“I'd say if it tries to _John Hur_ t its way out of your stomach. Like in "Alien".” “Hank, I swear to God, if you don't stop talking like this, I'm gonna turn your bong into a muzzle.” Charles winced and held his stomach. Alarmed, Erik placed his hand on top of Charles'.

“Daddy is sorry, little one.” He whispered and Charles relaxed. Moira looked at the group surrounding her friend.

“I think you should all leave now and let us continue. And give Charles some privacy.” Before Erik could argue, Charles looked at him and replied:

“That would be nice. You could go to Emma for drinks. I'll be alright.” 

\---

Emma's restaurant was called “The White Queen” an like its owner, it was a vision in silver, pale gold and of course, white. The funny thing about the three star establishment was that Emma didn't sell anything special. She just manipulated the customers into thinking they'd drunk the finest champagne and feasted on exquisite food, when they actually had rice waffles and tap water. Today, she entertained Colonel Stryker, an outspoken supporter of the anti-mutant movement and his equally obnoxious guests. “Excellent foie gras, Miss Frost.” The Colonel complimented, and Emma gave him a dazzling smile.

“Only the best for such a valued customer. Enjoy your evening.” Erik and Hank watched from the bar. “You serve them?” He sneered.

“Of course, sugar.” She said while walking through the kitchen with them. Next to a fridge was a bin, filled with Purina dog chow cans. “Only the best. Come to my office.” Azazel and Raven were already inside.

“I'm guessing Charles needed some time for himself?” The group nodded in unison. “I couldn't agree more. You're all suffocating him. Now, shall we have some drinks?”

“That depends. Can we expect the real stuff?” “What kind of hostess do you take me for, Erik?” “Shall I get the dog food cans?”

 

Two hours into their gathering, Raven and Emma sang “Born to Run” by Bruce Springsteen, while Hank was still nursing his first beer.

“Kak dela, Erik?” “Huh?” “Sorry, how are you? Or how do you feel about all of this?”

“They are a little off key but not that bad.” “With the baby of course.” “I know Azazel. I just wanted a little more time to think about a proper answer.”

“What do you mean?” Erik sighed and sipped on his Whiskey. “Charles doesn't want me around and I try to do as much as I can. Maybe it would be better if I just left...” Azazel slammed his hand onto the table.

“Kakogo cherta?! You are not running! In Russia we take care of our baby mamas!” “Charles is a man.”

“But he carries your seed and once its planted, there is no turning back!” The red Russian took a deep breath.

“Look at my solnyshko. She is perfect, my soul mate and I would die for her. And someday, I would be honoured to give her children.” “Yes, but you love Raven.”

“From what I gathered, you also love the professor.” “Not like that, he is my friend.”

“Riptide is my friend too, but I don't sleep in his bed, pet his hair and have that idiotic lovelorn look on my face when I speak to him.” “I don't look lovelorn.”

“Yes, you do. And so does the professor.” Erik spit out half of a mouthful of Whiskey upon hearing that.

“You cannot really be surprised about that.” Azazel laughed and patted Erik's shoulder. “You are truly blind, my friend. Maybe you should use your power to remove those massive blinkers from your eyes.”

\---

“Erik?” Charles turned on the lamp at his night stand and looked at him.

“Sorry, didn't want to wake you.” “No, it is alright, I couldn't sleep anyway. Turns out, I need you around at night.” He smiled shyly.

“Well, if it is beneficial to your wellbeing...” He crawled into the bed and Charles instinctively took his hand and placed it on his stomach.

“Good night, Erik.” “Good night, Charles.” Erik brushed a quick kiss against his temple.

“Oh.” “Was that okay?” _Damn you, Azazel!_ He thought. _Now it's going to get weird._

“When was this situation ever anything else but weird, my friend? And yes, that was okay. You may repeat it if you like. No pressure.” “I will.”

“Good. And I think I'll approve of Azazel now.” Erik laughed softly. “He will be happy to hear that.”

 

A week later, Moira returned with her ultra sound machine.

“The foetus is now full formed.” Emma confirmed the doctor's diagnosis.“So, now what?” Raven asked, with a concerned look on her face.

“We deliver it.” “How? We cannot perform an operation here.” Hank had a point, even Erik had to admit that.

“No need too, we go to the hospital, tonight. But I'm not a surgeon, so we have to employ the help of Doctor Spiegel.” “I don't think I can influence him, you have to do it, Emma.”

“Not a problem.” “I don't trust this plan...” Erik said and turned to Charles. “Is that really okay for you?”

“Yes, it will be alright, Erik. I rather have the operation under anaesthesia then deal with the whole chest busting scenario. Don't get me wrong, I like John Hurt, but not in “Alien”. Or “Heaven's Gate”. Or the “Elephant Man”... Bloody hell, he sure dies a lot.”

“ _He is so adorable when he babbles.”_ Charles grinned at him. _“Thank you, dear.” “And thank you both for not doing telepathic dirty talk. Now, shall we?”_ They both blushed and looked at Emma.

\---

“Hello Christian.” “Moira, what are you doing here? Isn't this your day off.”

Doctor Spiegel looked at his colleague and her entourage. A tall man with a square jar, his arm draped around a smaller man in a corduroy jacket. An icy blonde with a perfect smile and a young woman, he swore he'd seen before.

“We have a problem, sugar.” The blonde purred. “Our friend Charles here,” she pointed at the man in corduroy. “He needs surgery.”

“Is he hurt badly?” “No, just pregnant.” The doctor laughed.

“Good one, Moira.” “We are not kidding, doctor. You need to deliver the baby. Now would be good.” Dr. Spiegel's eyes became glassy as Emma worked her magic.

“Sure. Moira, take care of our patient.” “Of course Christian. Come on.” They walked to the operation theatre and after preparing Charles, she tossed Erik a pair of scrubs.

“Ready to be a father?” “No.” He took a deep breath. “Moira, thank you.”

“Wow, that must have been worse than pulling teeth for you. Wash your hands.” “It was.”

“Why do you hate me anyway?” “The truth?” “If you don't mind.” “Charles.”

“Oh, you thought I was into him. Erik, I always saw him as a friend, nothing more.”

“I'm glad to hear that. Maybe you can babysit sometime.” “Or maybe not.” She stuck her tongue out. “Very mature, doctor MacTaggert.”

“Himmel, Arsch und Zwirn!” Doctor Spiegel screamed.

Even Emma's abilities weren't powerful enough to block out the fact that Charles' and Erik's baby had a tail. The telepath quickly erased the memory and ordered him to tend to Charles' wound. Meanwhile, Moira already cleaned the baby, wrapped it in a blanket and gave it to Erik.

“Is he alright?” Charles asked and waved his hand. “How do you know it is a boy?” “Because you just thought _Oh, what a beautiful boy._ ” Erik placed him on Charles' chest and stroke his partners hair.

“We better clear out before anyone sees us.” Moira suggested. That was Emma's cue. “Right. Christian, sugar? Be a dear and clean this mess up, okay?” The doctor nodded.

“Azazel, a little teleportation, please.”

\---

A few hours later, with the help of a certain healer who preferred to go unnamed, Charles was back on his feet. Not really on his feet but free from any pain, and cuddled up on his bed with Erik and their newborn son.

“So, have you guys decided on a name yet?” Raven asked and beamed at her nephew.

“No, we were a little preoccupied with the whole me getting pregnant by touch thing. So, Erik what do you think?” “Me?” “Sure, you made half of him. Sort of.”

“I'm just glad that you both are okay. You can name him Samsung for all I care. On second thought... Please don't.” “What about Jakob, after your dad?”

“I would like that.” They smiled at each other. “Oh dear, I need to go now. Way too touchy feely in here.” Emma commented and left.

“Welcome home, Jakob Karl Xavier-Lehnsherr.” “Karl?” Charles smirked.

“Well, you did most of the work...” “While ruining my bikini body.”

“I don't want to hear things like that from you. That scar is a testament to the love you have for our son.” “You have a way with words, Erik.”

“What did I tell you before? I have many qualities.” He laughed and kissed Charles sweetly.

 

The End.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Fun with foreign languages (If I got it wrong, feel free to correct me):
> 
> "Himmel, Arsch und Zwirn." – lit. "Heaven, ass and threat." kinda like a vulgar "Bloody hell", sometimes used as "Screw this.".
> 
> "Kakogo cherta?!" – "What the hell?!"
> 
> "Padla." – Crud, scum, asshole and some other mean words.
> 
> "Solnyshko" – Diminutive of sun


End file.
